


War, After (Feels Like Home Universe)

by jupiter_james



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, M/M, Scars, Smut, War, mute shepard, surgeon kaidan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2015-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-10 21:02:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3303362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jupiter_james/pseuds/jupiter_james
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/users/Ltleflrt/pseuds/Ltleflrt">ltleflrt's</a> incredible <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/1014392/chapters/2014365">Feels Like Home</a> universe, this is the story of how John Matthew Shepard got wounded in Afghanistan.</p><p>The timeline is somewhat different, and Kaidan's role has completely changed from FLH, but ltleflrt said she wanted a military doctor AU with JM, so I stole him to give her the goods. All of her settings and characters are used with permission.</p><p>
  <b>EDIT: 2/7/15: I totally screwed up the formatting and just noticed, so I updated it. I need to check my HTML more carefully.</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	War, After (Feels Like Home Universe)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ltleflrt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ltleflrt/gifts).



Yelling was what initially woke Major Kaidan Alenko up from his horrendous nap on the ratty couch in the doctor's lounge in the rundown military hospital in Afghanistan. Though equipped with the best modern machines and technology of any hospital in America, the building itself, and plenty of its non-essential items, looked like they'd been through several near-misses during the war. And, hell, they had. Kaidan hadn't been in the warzone for long; just six months tomorrow, but he was already wishing he hadn't enlisted after his residency. He rubbed his bloodshot eyes and wondered what in the hell he'd been thinking when his youth and enthusiasm and the desire to do good had pushed him out of a lucrative teaching hospital offer and into the Navy. Six years so far, and he'd been pretty lucky for a military surgeon. Mostly patching up veterans on the home front until his rank and expertise had called him to an active zone. The work was fulfilling in its own way, but if he had to kick that fucking broken coffee maker one more time when it failed him in his darkest hour of need, he was going to consider going AWOL until he found a decent Starbucks. Today was not that day, though.

The second he heard the shouting pass the lounge door, his pager vibrated furiously. Or. What he imagined was furiously for an inanimate object. Damn but he needed more sleep. He rolled the sleeves up on his uniform and checked the numbers. Trauma unit. Another tragedy, another day. He hated how his cynicism was becoming more finely tuned the longer he stayed in this dusty, sun-baked place.

Running his fingers through his mussed, graying raven hair, he took a deep, calming breath and then pulled the cell phone out of his back pocket to page the unit. A nurse picked up on the first ring. "Tell me."

"Twelve soldiers on patrol. IED roadside bomb. We're tagging them in triage now. Scrub up and report in."

"Rodger." Kaidan hung up without further word and exited the lounge, jogging towards the noise, ignoring the smatters of blood dotting the floor. Must have been a bad one if they were taking in all twelve without routing some of them to other hospitals. Theirs wasn't a small installation by any means, but that many people all at once was too much. Which could only mean...

"DOA," he heard one of the nurses say. "That one, too. Move them out. We need the room."

Kaidan scanned the room, mentally cataloging and processing the severity of wounds and prioritizing their importance and chance of survival. So much _blood_. Every time it was so much blood. It always seemed like more than 5 liters, and none of the people who came in here ever bled out completely. Still. Kaidan shook his head and glanced back up. Focus. He froze as his gaze met one of the soldiers with a black tag attached to him, standing out clearly from the stark, white sheet covering the mess underneath. Black tag. Hopeless case. Probably going to be dead in minutes. Raw, dripping wounds tore over the side of his face and down further under the cover, soaking the sheet in bright red pools. But his eyes. Blue and sharp and _there_. Fully conscious and not quite in shock yet. Fighting. Still fighting. He likely felt every single shard of glass embedded in his skin. Knew that if he let his body win right now, forcing him to pass out, he'd be as dead as the black tag was demanding he be. And he was looking directly at Kaidan. 

Kaidan held his breath until he felt close to blacking out. For a moment, the sounds and screaming and shouting of nurses and doctors faded into a dull, pounding roar, like the ocean he remembered visiting in high school. He should have gone back some time. It had been so peaceful. Blacking out. His vision tunneled, the edges the same color as the tag he was staring at. Slowly... the soldier on the bed lifted his arm, dangling the tag off of his wrist. He opened his mouth and Kaidan's lips parted, too. _Help me. Now._ Kaidan was sure the man hadn't been able to speak. But he wouldn't have heard, anyway. It was all fading to blackness. Was that even what the soldier had said? His face was fierce. Commanding.

"Alenko! Move!"

Instinctively, Kaidan stepped out of the way of the doctor behind him, slipping slightly as his shoe hit a patch of blood. And that was enough to break the spell. He vaulted towards the bed and secured his latex gloves, grabbing a set of trauma shears and slicing off the black tag. He ripped the sheets down and swallowed convulsively. The soldier been marked correctly. But those crystal blue eyes weren't moving away. Weren't letting him go. He balled the tag up in his fist and shoved it into his pocket. Then he set the shears to cutting away the rest of man's uniform that was safe to remove for the moment. He glanced at the soldier's chest. His name. The embroidered patch said CMDR. J M SHEPARD. Army. What a shame.

Kaidan leaned close to the man's good ear, figuring his hearing had probably been damaged by the blast, but he had to try, anyway. "I've got you, Commander Shepard." A bloodied hand squeezed his forearm tightly. Kaidan nodded. "Understood."

Then Commander Shepard closed his ocean-storm eyes and the world that wasn't muted by the waves came crashing back to Kaidan. He grabbed a nurse by the collar and swung the man around. "With me, Lieutenant." He checked the dog tag hanging on Shepard's neck. "Double check his blood type and get me everything we've got. O.R. three."

"Sir, I-"

" _Now,_ Lieutenant, or I'll have your ass! Move!"

Whatever had changed in his normally calm and detached expression was enough to send the nurse careening out of the intake area as fast as he could move. Kaidan did what he could to prep the commander for surgery, but his vitals were getting bad. Unstable. Not entirely suitable for surgery. He'd probably die on the table. But Kaidan had promised. He's fucking _promised_. He cut the last of the clothing away and started to toss his camo pants to the side when something clunked onto his shoe. Kaidan glanced down. It was the commander's cell phone. He bent down and pocketed that, too.

Two other nurses appeared beside him as he stuffed the wounds with gauze to staunch bleeding and hooked up IVs to stabilize him enough for anesthesia. They worked quickly and in perfect tandem, and within two minutes, Kaidan was hitting the bed rails and kicking out the breaks on the stretcher to haul it to the O.R. He yelled at anyone who got in the way and broke off from the nurses to scrub in at the sinks as quickly as he was allowed. Time was of the essence here. Time was critical. Time was slipping away. But before he knew it, he was pushing through the doors and into the O.R. They'd already put the soldier under. Kaidan approached the table, holding his breath again. _Sorry, Commander,_ he thought. _It's not really your fault at all, but if you die here, it'll be what undoes me. Don't die._

But Shepard hadn't seemed to have received the prayer at all. He crashed twice in quick succession; only giving Kaidan a reprieve after the surgeon started swearing loudly and profusely for him to "knock that shit off, Commander!" Then it was up to his skill and speed. But even that had a hard time keeping up with a human body trying so damn hard to die. Twelve hours. Kaidan didn't watch the clock, but one of the nurses called out time when every hour ticked by. He knew that he was exhausted somewhere in the back of his mind. Knew the second that there weren't any more holes in the dam to plug up, he'd pass out and sleep until the next crisis woke him. Have red nightmares that he wouldn't remember when he did open his eyes again. At least there was that. He never remembered the faces in his dreams. Which was good. Too many ghosts chilled his bones.

* * *

The last hole patched. Kaidan bent his arms up at the elbow and stood back a little bit, turning his eyes towards the monitors at the head of the table. The entire room went completely still. "Five minutes," he said, his voice hoarse and hollow.

The large O.R. clock on the wall silently kept vigil. Five pairs of eyes watched the screens in rapt attention. Five minutes passed. No one wanted to call it. Like a jinx after all the work they'd done.

"Vitals holding steady," Kaidan murmured. Any louder would have been a curse. "Let's move him to recovery."

A soft chorus of "yes, sir," followed his order. Kaidan left the O.R. with shaking hands and unsteady legs.

* * *

Shepard didn't open his eyes for three more days. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn't all _that_ long, but Kaidan was getting sore from sleeping in the lumpy armchair next to his bed in the ICU. He didn't have to do that, of course, but there was no one else to visit. His squad was dead. Most of the civilians were spared. For what might have been the thousandth time, Kaidan took out Shepard's cell phone and swiped the screen. He hadn't put a password on it, just a screen pattern to draw. Kaidan had had all the time in the world to figure out the simple pattern. And for the thousandth time again, Kaidan flipped to Shepard's call log and his thumb hovered over the listing that said JACK. He wondered who it was. What they'd talked about last week. Two days before the blast that had taken him out of commission. A brother? Friend? Boyfriend? The calls to Jack were regular and on a pretty set schedule. Kaidan hadn't found a listing to any other family members or parents in the phone, so he mourned a little assuming Shepard's parents didn't exist on this earth anymore. Kaidan had to tell someone. Shepard was going to be shipped back to the States, for sure. His injuries were severe enough that there was no way he'd stay on active duty. He'd probably be honorably discharged. 

Kaidan glanced to the man in the bed. He was flushed with fever, half of his face covered in bandages. Kaidan cringed when he considered the bandage around the man's neck. There was a lot of bad news to break. His vocal chords had been severed. He'd never speak again. Kaidan wondered what his voice sounded like. If it was low and soft or naturally loud. If he could sing. It was a shame, either way.

His eyes turned up to the clock near the door. Food. He needed to eat something. He wasn't hungry, but he had to keep up appearances. Slowly, he stood up from the chair and stretched. He pocketed Shepard's phone in his coat and squeezed the commander's hand. "I'll be back soon."

He kept the phone clenched in his fingers as he made his way to the mess hall. It was pretty empty at this time of night, so Kaidan was free to choose whichever table he wanted to eat the pre-made turkey sandwich with limp lettuce and a Coke. Not the worst he'd had lately. He tucked himself into a chair in the corner and set the phone on the table in front of him. Watching it for some sort of advice as he chewed the sandwich. The uninspired meal needed more mayonnaise or something. He tapped the phone's screen when it shut off and accidentally pulled up the photo gallery. He'd already been snooping, but this felt like an extra sort of violation, so he moved to close it before seeing anything, but a video file recorded the day of the accident caught his eye. He couldn't help himself. He clicked on it.

Shepard's smiling face filled the screen, looking sunburned and cheerful. "Hey, guys, it's me. Starting the countdown now until I come home. It's been a ride. Can't wait to be out of here. This war is dust and dirt and bullshit." His low, melodious voice struck Kaidan right to his core, and he leaned closer to the screen. "Anyway, I haven't got a lot to say this time around. It's been a slow couple of weeks, which is a huge blessing, I guess. Here's to more slow days until I'm back Stateside. I miss you guys. Take care." The video ended and Kaidan pressed play again. And then again. And then again. He couldn't get enough of that voice. Wanted to know it like he'd heard it for real a thousand other times. He didn't know why, but it just felt like something he had to have.

Then he really _did_ feel like he'd invaded Shepard's... the _commander's_ privacy enough, and tucked the phone away, standing up to dispose of the sandwich wrapper, but bringing the soda back with him to Shepard's room. He set the can down next to the phone on the end table, and hooked the phone up to the charger he'd found in the unclaimed box of personal effects in the break room. He took up his usual spot by the bed and checked his pager to make sure he hadn't missed anything important. Blank. Good. He made a cursory check of the breathing pump and IV lines and then leaned back, closing his eyes with exhaustion. He really should get some proper sleep in a proper bed at some point. He was starting to ache with exhaustion.

But his vigil paid off several hours later as the sun was beginning to set over the dusty city. He must have been dreaming something nice because he was calm when he half-woke to the sound of the rhythmic beeping of the machines next to him changing. He shifted slightly in the chair to wake up his sleeping left arm, almost drifting off again, but then the beeping registered. His eyes snapped open to find that bright blue gaze looking straight at him. It was groggy and half-lidded, but also clear of confusion. Shepard.

Kaidan stood up too fast, having to brace himself against the edge of the bed to stave off a fierce head rush. Shepard moved and looked like he was going to try to talk. Kaidan stilled him with a hand on his arm. "Don't try to move or talk yet," he said gently. "You've got a breathing tube in and a lot of lines. Can you answer some yes or no questions for me? Blink once for 'yes' and twice for 'no.'"

Those incredible blue eyes blinked once.

"Good. Do you know where you are?" Yes. "Are you in pain?" Another yes. Kaidan leaned forward over Shepard and pressed the button for more morphine beyond the scheduled dose. He pulled the timer off of the hook on the headboard and pressed it into Shepard's hand. "You can press this four times an hour for an extra dose of pain medication, but don't use it too often, if you can help it. Your body will get used to it and it won't be so effective. You're on the highest dose right now. Do you understand?" Yes. "Good. I'm going to check your eyes." He pulled the pen light out of his jacket pocket and shined it in both of Shepard's eyes. He blinked rapidly when Kaidan was done. "Sorry about that. Pupils are reactive. That's an encouraging sign." 

He finished his exam, Shepard squeezing his fingers lightly when instructed, flexing his toes, responding to stimulation on his legs and arms. All wonderful and even slightly better than Kaidan would have expected. "Looks like you're on the road to recovery. Don't fight the breathing tube. I just switched it to free flow, so just breathe normally and it'll give you all the oxygen you need. If your vitals keep looking up like this I'll remove it tomorrow. You did well, Commander. Welcome back."

He made to leave, but Shepard caught his arm with a light brush of fingers. Kaidan turned back to face him. Shepard gestured and Kaidan got the meaning. "You're welcome," he said. "Just keep on getting better and I'll be happy. See you tomorrow. Get as much rest as you can."

Shepard's eyes drifted shut immediately and the tiniest of smiles touched the corners of Kaidan's lips. They'd both done well. 

For the first time in four days, Kaidan went back to his small, one room apartment, and slept in his own, hard bed. He slept until his alarm woke him and actually felt like it had done some good. He wasn't as foggy as he had been as he showered and then pulled on his uniform and doctor's coat. Another day closer to leaving. Vancouver was calling his name. Patching up soldiers was all well and good, and he _did_ actually feel a sense of accomplishment, but he was beyond ready to go home.

The walk to the hospital wasn't far. Just enough to suck down a cup of lukewarm coffee from his almost-broken coffeemaker. He showed his clearance card at the emergency entrance and walked straight back to the ICU. Shepard was first on his list this morning. He said good morning to everyone he passed on his way to the commander's room. He entered just as a pair of nurses finished checking Shepard's vitals and repositioning him on the bed so that he didn't develop sores. Shepard's eyes lighted on Kaidan and seemed to sharpen with what Kaidan liked to think was pleasure.

"Good morning," Kaidan said. "Are you ready to get that tube out?" 

Shepard blinked once. Kaidan took the chart from the nurse and flipped through it quickly. "Everything checks out. You're ready to move to the regular ward once I can get you off of some of these machines. Lieutenant?"

The nurse held up a plastic bucket. "I'm ready." He stepped to the side of the bed and held out the bucket. 

Kaidan could see the question in Shepard's eyes. "Some people vomit when I take the breathing tube out. Sorry."

There was the unmistakable glint of humor in Shepard's blue eyes, and when it hit him so close, Kaidan couldn't help it. He sucked in a breath and let it out slowly. Cleared his throat. "Anyway. It's gonna feel like a balloon's deflating in your chest and then get a bit hard to breath for a minute. Then it'll feel like your insides are coming out through your mouth, but hang in there. I'll get it out as quickly as possible. You ready?"

Shepard nodded gingerly. Kaidan braced a hand on the commander's back. "Take a deep breath and hold it." Shepard did so, Kaidan feeling for the moment he stopped inhaling, then cut off the machine, pulling carefully and steadily on the line. Tears sprang to Shepard's eyes and Kaidan's sympathy went out to him. Soon enough the tube was out though, and Shepard doubled over, coughing until he wheezed. No barfing on Kaidan's freshly washed uniform, though. There was a god. The nurse grinned with satisfaction and Kaidan rubbed Shepard's back vigorously. "Good job, soldier," he said softly.

Shepard's grip tightened on his arm as he drew in several deep, rasping, rattling breaths. He coughed some more intermittently and then seemed to settle. 

"Deep in and out through the nose," Kaidan said. "You'll be a little dizzy, but it'll pass in a minute. Just let your body do what it needs to do." Kaidan fastened a free flow oxygen tube to Shepard's nose. The commander sagged and leaned heavily against Kaidan's chest. Kaidan resisted the urge to run his fingers over the soft, growing buzz cut. Something burned in his chest and he tried his best to ignore it. Like heartburn. And it wouldn't go away. So he let Shepard lean against him and Kaidan shifted on his feet like he was trying to readjust, but really he wanted to feel the commander just a little more.

Then the nurse checked the monitors. "Everything looks good. Oxygen levels are rising. You good?"

Kaidan nodded. "Thank you, Lieutenant."

The man left and it was a minute or two before Shepard pulled himself up again and pressed his hand against his throat. Kaidan released him and took a step back, bumping against the stool behind him and sitting down. Shepard opened his mouth and tried to speak. Kaidan grimaced. Shepard's eyes widened with growing panic. He patted at his neck.

"You can't talk," Kaidan said, staring at the tiles on the floor. "Your vocal chords were damaged when you were injured. They were... severed. I tried to do something, but... I'm really sorry, Commander. I did my best... you probably won't ever talk again."

A hand waved in his face and Kaidan looked up. Shepard pulled back and gestured like he was writing. Kaidan had been prepared for this. He took a small notebook and pen off of the side table. He handed it to Shepard and the commander scribbled rapidly on the pad. His handwriting was atrocious.

_You saved my life when I was black tagged. Thank you._

With another grimace and small noise of frustration, Kaidan said, "yeah, I know. It's gonna be hard for you, though. But you're getting out. Your discharge papers arrived yesterday. You're going home once you're ready for medical transport. Back to the US. Where are you from?"

Shepard was grinning and scribbling again. _Small talk? Don't feel guilty, Doc. I'm grateful. Worry about the rest later. From all over. Born in Citadel._

Kaidan read the note. "I'm from Vancouver. Never heard of Citadel. They're shipping you to Denver for recovery. There's a perfect rehab program for cases like yours. Is that close to Citadel?"

_No. Citadel is desert. Hot. How's Vancouver?_

It was Kaidan's turn to smile. "Now who's into the small talk? Vancouver is nice. Rains a lot, but I like it. Haven't been back for ages, though. I've got dual citizenship. Enlisted in the military to practice trauma medicine. Don't know if I made the right or the wrong choice now, though."

Shepard's eyes turned sympathetic. _More than you signed up for?_

Kaidan hung his head again. "Hell, yes. By several miles. I'm a lot better doctor now, but it was a big cost. I shouldn't be complaining to _you_ , should I? You're in worse shape than me."

A breathy sound that sounded like a laugh pushed from Shepard's mouth. _On too many painkillers to be upset for now. Mental and physical trauma are both bad. I'm sorry you're having it rough. You a short timer yet?_

Kaidan tilted his head. "Almost. There's a few more months left on my contract. They have me on for a year. So, four months or thereabouts."

_You'll make it. You're a hero as far as I'm concerned. Can't thank you enough._

"Don't mention it. I had to. You were very persuasive."

Then he and Shepard talked until the pages ran out and it was time for another dose of painkillers and muscle relaxants for Shepard. He drifted off and Kaidan went on his rounds, but not before promising he'd be back as soon as he could for another chat. Shepard hadn't asked about his squad, and Kaidan hadn't told him. At the nurse's station, he filled out the paperwork for Shepard's transfer. 

And then the next day came and Kaidan wasn't able to visit Shepard. Another tragedy and another rush of patients who needed his deft hands and expertise. Then the next day after that got away from him. And then he wasn't totally aware of how many days passed after that. By the time he had a second that wasn't saving lives or doing his rounds or sleeping for ten seconds, Shepard was... gone. 

"Lieutenant? Where's Commander Shepard?"

The nurse looked up from the chart he'd been reviewing and gave him a curious look. "He was shipped to Denver yesterday. Why?"

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck. "No reason. Just wondering. Thanks."

"Oh, hey, Major! He left this for you." He held out a torn piece of paper. Kaidan unfolded it as he walked away. A phone number and a horribly scribbled note that took Kaidan a few seconds to decipher. _I know you're busy saving lives, but it was a pleasure getting to know you. If you ever want to keep in touch, drop me a line. Thank you again for everything you've done. I'll never forget it. - Matt_

Matt? Kaidan smiled even in his exhaustion. So that was the "M" in "JM." It was nice. "Matt," Kaidan said softly.

"Excuse me, sir?"

Kaidan's head shot up and he shoved the paper into his pocket. "Nothing. Never mind. Where are my charts for today?" The nurse handed them over and Kaidan grabbed them to his chest gratefully. "Thanks, Jenkins." Then he buried himself in his work until he was too tired to do anything about the piece of paper in his pocket. Yes, he knew he was being a chickenshit. No, he didn't plan to do anything about it for the time being. He couldn't. It was too much. Shepard had made an impact. Not just because he'd been so willing to _live_. It was more than that. So much more than that. After a week. What was he, a teenager? A resident? Falling for a patient. Damn, but could he get more cliché?

He didn't want to avoid the commander forever, though. It made him ache to think about never speaking to him again. Or... well, writing to him. Texting him. What if he needed help? Someone who knew what it was like to be in the trenches and could talk when the nightmares hit? Understand them completely. Help. Keep helping. Keeping knowing. Keep talking.

So that night in his shitty apartment, he took out his cell phone and glanced at the clock. What time was it in Denver, anyway? He flipped through the apps until he found his clock. It had a world clock on it, so he put in Denver. Eleven hours and thirty minutes. Huh. So it was after nine in the morning over there. That was a decent time, right?

With sweating hands, Kaidan typed, _sorry it took me so long to contact you. How are you doing? It's Kaidan, by the way. Alenko. Major. I was the surgeon who helped you._ He hit send and then cringed visibly at how stupid that first message sounded. Looked. Whatever. Lamest first message ever. But it was gone into the ether now. Nothing he could do except be embarrassed.

A reply came back only a minute later. _That you, Doc? Hey, thanks for texting me! They knocked me out for transfer and then wouldn't let me have your number. I'm at a vet's hospital in Denver now._

_Sorry I didn't get to say goodbye._

_I understand. You're busy. How are you doing?_

Kaidan rolled over in his bed onto his side. _That's my line. How are YOU?_

_I'm all right. Lots of PT and sign language classes. It's hard. I'm too old to learn new things._

Kaidan chuckled. "Idiot." _You are not. You'll be fine. Anything I can help with? Advise? Practice? I don't know sign language, but maybe I can give you some resources?_

It took a while and Kaidan was beginning to think he'd said the wrong thing, but his screen blinked again. _Sorry. Nurses. They're ugly here. I preferred you. I'd rather talk about other things, if you don't mind._

That perked Kaidan up and he sat up in bed, resting his head against the wall. _Sure. Seen any good movies lately? What other cliché questions are common?_

Again he had to wait for a bit, but then, _The Princess Bride was on network TV, but when I get home I'm watching Star Wars. For a week straight. My turn. What's your favorite color? Is this flirting? ;)_

Kaidan's heart thudded in his chest. Was it? Could he really be that lucky? Was there really such a bright spot in his life right now? Hell, yes. It was worth it to try. Fortune favors the bold and all that. _If you have to ask, I must need more practice. My favorite color is blue._

_I'll let you practice._

His hands were sweating again. _You're making me blush._

_I'd like to see that. Let's Skype some time. I'd have to write notes again, but you've got a friendly face. I miss that._

Holy hell, was Shepard really talking like this or had Kaidan actually fallen asleep and was just dreaming he'd texted the commander? _Maybe later... it was a long day. I look like hell._

_It's late over there. You should get some sleep. My meds are kicking in, so I feel kinda high. Can we talk later?_

"Always. I'd love that." _Sure._

* * *

They talked every time that Kaidan was off shift. In the middle of the night for either of them, during the day, in the afternoon, whenever. Shepard always seemed to be awake and around. He told Kaidan that his sleep schedule was fucked from being in the hospital. Bored. It was starting to sink in how much his life had changed since the accident. He was due to be discharged in another week, and he had no idea how he was going to manage out in the real world.

On they went talking about what didn't bother them and ignoring the "real world." And then Shepard was released from the hospital. His tone changed slowly after that as the next month passed. Kaidan worried, but didn't want to press the issue. Far be it from him to make anyone talk about anything that was difficult when they weren't ready. He simply hoped that he'd open up eventually. Of course, that wasn't something that he had to worry about for long, because Shepard finally got tired enough or comfortable enough to open up.

_Can I ask you for doctor advice? I don't mean to make you talk shop after hours, but I could use some help._

Kaidan peered at his phone curiously while he unlaced his boots. _For you, anything. What's up?_

His curiosity only grew while he waited for an answer. He was stripped down to his undershirt and boxers by the time he got a reply. Then his phone beeped. He swiped the screen back on.

_I can't leave my house._

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "What?" _I don't understand. Are you stuck? Did something happen?_

_Uh... no. It's... I think I'm having panic attacks. Or something. I have these nightmares, and... what do I do?_

"Damn, Shepard," Kaidan murmured. He collapsed onto his couch and put the phone on his thigh, rubbing his face vigorously. Then he picked it up and answered. _Sounds like you're having some agoraphobia. Probably PTSD, too. Feel like telling me about your symptoms? I can't give you a for sure diagnosis since I'm not a therapist, but I might be able to give you something to work with._

That opened the floodgates. Shepard told him all the gory details. He frequently asked if it was okay to be bothering Kaidan with it. If he should just talk about something else, since Kaidan was off the clock and all. Not a chance. This was Kaidan's wheelhouse, and for all of their flirting and light conversations, this was important. This was big. If Shepard was talking to _him_ about all of this in so much detail, it probably meant that he'd had no one else to discuss it with. That Kaidan was the only one he actually _trusted._ He had the impression that him being a doctor was just a lucky plus, and that made him feel like the tallest man in the world. So he listened and answered and hoped that he could do something for the man who'd already done so much for him.

Then it was his turn to give advice. _You need a psychiatrist, Matt. Someone who can help with the anxiety and panic. Talk therapy and exposure therapy works wonders along with medication. Also, maybe consider moving back to Citadel? It's a small town and familiar, right? It can ease the strain at least for a while so you can get back on track._

Another long pause. Then, _Thank you, Kaidan. I've been afraid to talk to anyone, but you're right. Maybe I just need to go home. I feel a lot better knowing it wouldn't be giving up to do that._

_Of course not. It will give you peace of mind while you get your head back on. Forgive the pun._

_Haha I appreciate it. Thank you. I'm going to bed now. Good night._

_Sleep well._ "Good night, Matt." Kaidan opened his laptop and pulled up the American Sign Language book he'd downloaded.

* * *

And the next day, Shepard told Kaidan that he was packing up what he had and going back home. He apologized if he was out of contact for a week or so, but Kaidan didn't mind, even though he kind of did. He missed Shepard in a million ways. They sent selfies and emails and texts, but it just wasn't the same. Not that Kaidan had known the commander at his best, but he took what he could get because they had a definite bond that he could feel from a world away. And maybe Shepard did, too.

"Excuse me, Major Alenko?"

Kaidan turned around and immediately saluted, stuffing his phone into his pocket. "Admiral Hackett! Sorry, I was just... um... checking my messages." _Smooth, Alenko. Really smooth._

Hackett waved the excuse off. "It's fine. I have your papers here." He held out a manila file and Kaidan took it, confused.

"My papers?"

"Your tour is up next week," Hackett said as if he was addressing an idiot. "You're going back to Vancouver."

"Thank you, sir," Kaidan said lamely. "So soon?"

"Yes," Hackett confirmed. "Unless you want to stay for another two months?"

Kaidan huffed a slight laugh. "I'm fine with this, sir."

"What will you do when you get back? You don't strike me as a lifer."

Kaidan smiled a little. "Yeah, maybe not. I'll probably retire and look for a job in a regular hospital. My six years are up after this."

Hackett held out his hand and Kaidan took it, shaking it firmly. "Best of luck to you, Major. You've done your country and mine a great service over here. I heard what you did for Commander Shepard before he was discharged back to the States. I'm grateful and so is the rest of the brass. He was the only one to survive the blast and give us a report."

Kaidan's heart clenched. "I'm sorry to hear about his squad, but I'm glad he's all right. I did what I could."

"You did wonderfully. Any hospital in the world would be lucky to have you. Godspeed."

Kaidan saluted again as did Hackett and then the admiral was walking away. Kaidan held the papers to his side, feeling his anxiety ease slightly. Home. He could go home. Finally. The relief was palpable. But not as relaxing as he thought it would be at first. And he knew why. He'd known why. There was nothing worth more than Commander Shepard in Vancouver anymore. He slapped the file against his thigh in agitation and checked the clock. His shift was over. Back to the dusty apartment.

But he wasn't as world-weary this time. Soon he could do more than shower in water that smelled like a pool and make coffee that tasted like dirt. He pulled out his duffle and started collecting his meager belongings. He only needed a change of clothes to make it through his next three shifts, so he put everything else away and went around collecting the small things he'd bought to bring back home as gifts for his family. He certainly wasn't on a damn vacation, but he still hated coming back empty handed. It only took an hour or so to clear everything up. He checked his phone. Nothing from Shepard. He'd expected that, but it was still kind of a letdown. Maybe he'd go for a visit... hell, he felt like he knew Citadel by now, anyway. Shepard had talked a lot about it in their texts and emails, always speaking of it with a gentle longing that Kaidan envied. When was the last time he'd ever felt like he was home? Awhile. A long damn while. Hopefully it would be better after having been gone so long.

* * *

Cold. Really, freaking cold. Damn, but Vancouver sure went all the way with winter. As Kaidan pulled his coat and scarf more tightly around his shoulders after getting hit with an arctic blast upon stepping out of the airport, he cursed softly and no longer knew whether he preferred the deserts in Afghanistan or the frozen ice block that had become Canada. At least it was warm in the cab he hailed. He sank down against the leather chair and took off his hat and set it on top of his duffle.

"Where to, soldier?" The taxi driver asked.

Kaidan leaned forward and handed him a piece of scrap paper with his hotel address. "Here, please."

The driver punched the address into his GPS and pulled out into traffic. "Did you just get home?"

"Yes," Kaidan said tiredly. "Been in Afghanistan for the last year."

The cabbie whistled. "See much action?"

"Not me, not really. I was a surgeon. Back lines. Saw a lot of damage because of the action."

"My hat's off to you," he said. "Glad to be home?"

Kaidan paused. Home? Hmm. "I'm glad to be back," he settled on saying.

And he was more and more glad as he took an actual hot shower with soap that didn't leave his skin raw. Shaved with a sharp blade. Took his time getting cleaned up. Made the temperature in the room exactly how he wanted it. Turned on the cable TV. Ordered room service. It really _was_ good to be back.

He'd have to find a job and an apartment at some point soon, but that could wait. He looked at his uniform one last time, crumpled on the floor like he never would have done before. He'd shed his skin and the sky was the limit. Did the sky look different in Citadel? It probably did. More stars? Shepard said there was less light pollution there. Must be nice. Kaidan took out his phone and swiped the screen. He had a lot of calls to make. Best get to it and get it over with. 

 

* * *

 

Shepard sat down on the couch with his pile of mail, yawning silently and turning on the TV for some background noise. Huh. Indiana Jones was on. He could deal with that, if nothing else. Little else. Even collecting his mail caused his heart to squeeze a little bit. He glanced at his phone on the coffee table. He hadn't texted Kaidan in a while. It was probably the wrong time of day to text him and get a quick response, but he felt bad waiting any longer. He'd unpacked all of the things he needed immediately and there wasn't an excuse left to keep avoiding the major, though he kind of wanted to. Kaidan was too good. Too nice. Too... _hot_. Shepard dipped his head. They hadn't had a conversation about what they were looking for in a partner, but their casual flirting had always left him hopeful. Kaidan had mentioned both men and women in his past, and that alone had struck Shepard deeply. For once a man he was attracted to instantly was a viable option. It had almost made him want to cry.

His fingers strayed up to his almost healed scars and slid down to his useless throat. Would someone that good and honorable and amazing really want someone as broken as him? There were plenty of normal people who'd be willing to... he snorted with frustration and tapped his phone. He was disabled. Not dead. Just more of a challenge than most.

_I'm all settled in now. How have you been? Sorry I didn't contact you sooner._

To his surprise, the answer came quickly. _I'm good! It's great to hear from you! How's Citadel? What have you been up to?_

Shepard smiled. The man was a little hectic as always. _Yes. Back home. Unpacking still. Thinking I might reopen my dad's old mechanic's shop. There isn't another one here, so I'm sure I'd make good money._

_That's an awesome idea!_

_How have you been?_

_Busy, but getting better. I won't be able to talk for long, though. Sorry about that._

_It's okay. I didn't expect you to answer for a long time anyway._

_Thanks. I promise I'll be in touch very soon. Just have some stuff to finish up now that I'm back in Vancouver._

But Kaidan didn't text him again that night or the next morning. Or afternoon. Shepard hated himself for carrying his phone around, including the bathroom when he showered, but he had to. He missed Kaidan. The man had become a calming influence. A lifeline. The reason that Shepard wasn't sinking completely under his depression and actually making plans for the future. Plans that would work. Would be satisfying. Not completely paralyzed by his own fucking brain. Of course, Kaidan couldn't have all the credit, however, he was alive because of the man. That wasn't a small thing at all.

He turned on the living room light and was about to settle in when his flood light activated outside. Damn raccoons getting in to the trash again. He trudged to the front door and swung it open. Started and probably would have yelled in shock if he could.

Kaidan had his hand raised to knock, frozen with just as much surprise.

Shepard's eyebrows shot up. Surprised enough that he momentarily forgot he couldn't speak, he mouthed, "Kaidan?"

With a truly sheepish grin, Kaidan lowered his hand and signed, _hi._

Shepard stared at Kaidan's hand. Trailed his eyes back up slowly. Was this another fantasy? Kaidan was here? And he was learning sign language? For real? Slowly, Shepard signed, _hi._

A slow, devastatingly handsome grin spread over Kaidan's lips and Shepard's insides cracked open. He rushed forward, dragging Kaidan in by the strings of his hoodie and slamming the door, shoving him against the wood and crushing their lips together.

He felt Kaidan's body stiffen for a split second, but Shepard didn't panic. And neither did Kaidan. It took a minute, but he finally melted into the embrace, his hands going around Shepard's waist and tugging the hem of his t-shirt up enough to splay his hands along the dip of Shepard's spine.

Shepard shivered at the touch, wishing he could moan, settling for the second best thing by pressing their bodies closer together.

Gasping, Kaidan pulled away, though his brown eyes were full of affection and open appreciation for the greeting. "I missed you," he said softly. "I got discharged early and sent back to Vancouver, but... I couldn't stay. You weren't there, so I... I came to see you. Sorry for the surprise. I probably should have told you first in case you didn't want me to come... I mean, I'm set up at the motel down the street... I just... Matt, we've only talked over texts and stuff, I get that. But you know more about me than anyone, and I think we have this connection, and I want to see... could we try... uh... would you like to go out with me?"

Shepard grasped Kaidan's beet red face and nodded his own head. It was fine. Fantastic. He also didn't know enough damn sign language yet. Had no idea how much Kaidan had picked up. It was weird and fucked up and way too soon, but what was he supposed to do? Kaidan had shown up on his doorstep. Hadn't even glanced at the scars he'd stitched himself before meeting Shepard's eyes. Had learned some sign language to help him communicate better without constantly scribbling notes. That was huge. No one had done something like that for him in Denver or even Citadel. He'd come back home and they'd treated him like a hero. Used it as an excuse to keep their distance. Friendly and distant. It was a lonely way to live, even with Jack walking on eggshells around him. He hadn't felt a warm body in forever, and Kaidan was that. He was _warm_. His hands and neck and face and everywhere Shepard put his lips. And then it was overwhelming enough that he had to stop and catch his breath. His forehead knocked gently onto Kaidan's shoulder and he felt the exacting surgeon's fingers feather over his neck and over his buzzed scalp, finally coming to rest on his shoulders. Their bodies were pressed so close that Shepard could feel the bass tones against his chest when Kaidan spoke. It was the most intimate thing he could remember.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to get here."

Shepard shook his head.

"You want me to stay in town for a while? See... see where this goes?"

Though loathe to do it, Shepard pulled back and signed, _what do you want?_

Kaidan's ran his hands down Shepard's arms, massaging gently and then resting on his hips. "This," he said. And then they were kissing again, and Shepard had never been so glad in his life to just be here. Be alive. Be kissing Kaidan. Damn, but his lips were so soft. Impossibly so. He tasted like cheap coffee, and it was just the best. Of course, they were running before walking at this point, so Shepard stepped back and held up his hand to wait. He took Kaidan's hand with his free one and pulled him into the living room. He grabbed a book off the table and held it up. His sign language book. They sat together on the couch.

Flipping through it just to be sure of what he was trying to say, Shepard signed, _how much did you learn?_

Almost sheepishly, Kaidan both signed and spoke. "A lot. I'm... smart. I want to learn a lot more."

Shepard grinned and shook his head. _It's okay. You are..._ his nose crinkled and he flipped through the book, signing without looking up. _Amazing. I'm grateful._ He was smiling with triumph when he looked up again, and even more so when he realized that Kaidan had understood him.

"Thank you," Kaidan said.

Shepard shrugged. _How long will you stay?_

Kaidan tipped a shoulder up. "Dunno. However long you want me to. If we decide to... um... if something develops... well, shit, I'm nervous now. Let's just say I can open a clinic anywhere or probably find a job at any hospital."

Shepard's silent laugh shook his whole body. _I like the idea. We can try. Yes?_

Kaidan scooted closer. "You mean we can see where it all goes? I can hang around for a while?"

Shepard nodded, staring at Kaidan's mouth.

"I'd like that. A lot."

 

* * *

Kaidan hung his lab coat by the front door and kicked his shoes off in the entryway. "Shepard? Hey, Matt, you here?" Odds were fifty-fifty that he'd be banging around in the garage restoring his old car after hours or watching a movie. Five months and this song and dance had become charmingly routine for Kaidan.

Kaidan stepped further into the house and caught sight of Shepard entering from the garage, wiping his hands on a well-used red oil rag. He beamed at the sight of Kaidan and picked up his pace, crowding Kaidan in the middle of the hall and grabbing his face with his dirty hands, smearing grease all over his lover while Kaidan tried to break the embrace, but stalling that movement when Shepard's lips were on his enthusiastically.

"Hey," Kaidan chuckled. "I know you want me to shower after work, but give me a break with the damn engine oil. It's hell on the skin to get off."

Shepard shrugged and turned towards the kitchen to clean off, blessedly having left Kaidan's clothes alone. Kaidan smacked his lover's ass as he passed by.

He followed Shepard to the kitchen and leaned his hip against the doorframe while Shepard scrubbed his callused hands. "Good day?"

Shepard lifted a hand and gave him a thumbs up.

"Awesome," Kaidan said.

Shepard turned around and pointed at him.

"It was fine. Ashley broke her finger dropping a tray of dishes so I had to set that with a splint, and there's an upper respiratory thing going around the elementary school. Thrilling stuff."

Drying his hands off, Shepard leaned back against the sink and nodded. Then he tossed the dish towel over his shoulder and signed, _is it enough?_

Kaidan's smile was warm and affectionate. "It is. I did my time patching up soldiers and civilians affected by war. It's a nice change to help kids with ear infections and cast broken legs. I don't miss the action. And when I feel the need to cut someone open, I just use my privileges at Thessia's hospital."

Shepard grimaced and nodded vigorously, to signal he'd heard enough. Kaidan laughed.

"I can tell you all the gory details of the guy who got his arm caught in the garage door tracks and-" He laughed harder when Shepard stopped him by smacking his hand over Kaidan's mouth. Once his laughter died down, he mumbled against Shepard's still-oily hand, "getting you back for rubbing me all over with grease. Let's go take a shower. You stink."

The casual command did not go over Shepard's head. His smile was slow and feral. He pushed off of the sink and slid his fingers into Kaidan's belt loops, tugging him towards the back of the house. He and Kaidan took each other's clothes off with gusto while weaving and jostling their way to the bathroom, leaving a trail of clothes down the hall.

Their dynamics had definitely changed in the time they'd been sleeping together over the past few months. Shepard was slightly frustrated that he couldn't use his voice to add praise or flame to the fire, but had started to try his very best to make Kaidan as loud as possible. It didn't always work when Jack was around, but as he'd noted before, she was often away with Miranda these days. Bless her. Bless both of them. Shepard was pretty sure Miranda was behind it all, and not just to have Jack to herself, but to leave Kaidan alone with Shepard. Which was especially good in the bathroom because, despite the small space, it echoed beautifully when Kaidan made those throaty sounds Shepard adored.

In times like these, Shepard wished he had a bigger bath for more maneuverability, but it was good enough when he crowded Kaidan under the spray of water and rolled his hips forward, his dick sliding into the coarse hair on Kaidan's navel. Kaidan moaned and Shepard gasped, burying his head against Kaidan's shoulder, mouth open against his wet skin, biting down enough to pinch. He chased away the goose bumps with his lips and tongue. Kaidan's hands found purchase on Shepard's hips, pulling him closer so that they were grinding against each other. When Kaidan's hands rubbed back towards Shepard's ass and grabbed hold, spreading him, Shepard arched and trembled. Nothing felt quite like this. Shepard was far from being a prude, but the longer he stayed with Kaidan, the more he realized that he hadn't exactly been adventurous in the sack. Making due with the classics hadn't been bad, but those clichés were torn to shreds the second Kaidan had growled his desire into Shepard's ear.

And now his brain was oozing to a stop as Kaidan's fingers wandered further down to press against his opening. _Fuck yes,_ he mouthed against Kaidan's skin. He lifted his leg and rested his foot against the lip of the tub. Kaidan took his weight easily as Shepard leaned forward. 

"Love feeling your breath on me," Kaidan murmured as he slipped his finger inside. Shepard jerked. He grabbed onto Kaidan tighter. He bucked his hips so Kaidan could reach that sensitive bundle of nerves inside of him. Kaidan let out a pleased noise at the friction and said, "and the way you move." 

Shepard's breath hitched. He couldn't stand it anymore. He reached down and took them both in hand, stroking with rough desperation. He tilted his chin up, begging silently. Kaidan grinned for a split second before crashing their lips together. A tiny whine bubbled in the back of his throat. Shepard's hands faltered, but Kaidan was there, running his palm over the head of Shepard's dick once, twice, and then it was over for him. Shepard's muscles clenched and gave. He came hard into Kaidan's hand with a soundless shout. When his legs gave out, he thought it was the best thing to ever happen. He slipped to the base of the tub and swept his tongue over the tip of Kaidan's dick, licking the head to taste the salty pre-come. Then he dove forward, sucking it in as far as he could. As much as he loved everything that they did, this was his favorite. Peeking up to see Kaidan's half-lidded gaze on him hungrily; water pouring over his head and making the wet curls stick to his forehead. Kaidan bit his bottom lip between his teeth. That look alone lit a fire in the pit of Shepard's stomach. He dug his fingers into Kaidan's ass. The small thrusts from Kaidan's hips as he fucked into Shepard's mouth was a dream.

And his _voice_. God save him, but nothing drove Kaidan more wild than his wrecked, sexy voice. The dirty words and generous praises were music to his ears.

"Just like that," Kaidan said. He brushed his hand over the back of Shepard's buzzed scalp. "Fuck, Shepard, just like that." His grip tightened, but didn't try to guide Shepard's movements at all.

Since he didn't have his voice, Shepard gave his praise the only other ways he knew how. His hands drifted over Kaidan's soaked skin, digging into muscles and massaging the taut skin. 

Kaidan's words lost meaning quickly. His hands clenched and released against Shepard's head reflexively. Then he was yanking himself back, praising Shepard at top volume and coming hard. Shepard didn't even mind Kaidan's come splattering his mouth and cheek. Kaidan even reached down and wiped it off his bottom lip before the shower spray had the chance to wash it off. Then he helped Shepard to his feet with a satisfied, lazy grin. 

_I want to wash you,_ Shepard signed with a smile. Kaidan nodded. Shepard took his time working Kaidan's hair into a lather and swiping a soapy loofa over every inch of his lover's skin. It was a simple, sensual pleasure that Shepard adored. Kaidan kept himself in excellent shape. Though no slouch himself, Kaidan had filled out his muscles since returning home from Afghanistan. Shepard marveled at every inch.

And when he was done rinsing Kaidan off, he returned the favor and carefully washed Shepard from head to toe, not even hesitating over the scars. Naturally, Kaidan wouldn't be phased by them since he was a surgeon, but the fact that they were just a part of Shepard and nothing to fixate over, warmed Shepard's heart greatly. When Kaidan finished washing him, Shepard leaned into his chest and kissed him, long, slowly, and gently. He would have kept them in their quiet moment longer, but a blast of cold water sent them both scrambling out of the tub. Shepard shut off the taps and flipped the shower off. Kaidan laughed.

"Didn't realize how long we took in there."

Shepard shrugged. Worth it. They toweled off together and made their way back to the bedroom, falling into each other's arms naturally after so many nights together.

Kaidan shifted and arranged the comforter around them. Shepard settled onto his side and rested his head right over Kaidan's heart. Kaidan's hand splayed against his back and started drawing random patterns like he always did. His hands were never idle. "Hey, so... at the hospital today... I heard that you were EMT trained?"

Shepard picked his head up from Kaidan's chest and leveled him with a curious stare. Then he nodded slowly and shrugged in question.

"You ever thought about going back to it?"

Shepard's lips parted as if he wanted to say something, but then he smiled wryly and signed, _can't talk. Not useful._

Kaidan hummed a little in the back of his throat, kissed Shepard swiftly on the lips, then dropped his head back onto the pillows. "You could still do most of the work."

Shepard waved his hand dismissively. 

"You don't want to?"

Shepard nodded and signaled that he was done with it all. They were quiet for a minute, both listening to the light rain hitting the window. Shepard pushed up onto his elbows again and signed, _I can't do the work. After what happened..._ he kept his hands up like he wanted to say more, but then shrugged again and dropped his hands.

"If your PTSD is still really bad, you should go back into therapy. They could really help you work through it."

Shepard sighed, _I did. It's okay. Not important. I'm happy here._

Kaidan smiled. "That's fine then. If you're happy being back in your hometown in this creaky house and fixing busted cars, I definitely won't complain."

Shepard smacked him on the chest and Kaidan chuckled breathlessly.

"Hey, I like the house! It has character. A lot of it. Especially when Jack decides to come banging around. Do she and Miranda have a thing?"

Shepard arched an eyebrow with a look that Kaidan translated to mean he was walking on icy ground. Not like he cared. Everything was eggshells with Shepard's prickly cousin.

"Come on, Matt. Are they sleeping together? She's almost never here these days. And you can't pay me a million dollars to believe that she has a lot of friends to have slumber parties with."

Shepard laughed silently and then signed crudely with the fairly universal sign for, _fucking_. 

"I figured," Kaidan said triumphantly. "Good for them. They must have a pretty interesting relationship with the constant fighting and making up that they do."

Shepard grinned and shrugged again. _They should live together._

Kaidan chuckled. "If you told them that, they'd kill you and then each other. Maybe one day, though."

Shepard dropped his head back down onto Kaidan's chest, kissing right above the nipple. Kaidan stroked behind his head, down the back on his neck, thumbing over the scar there. Shepard moved his head slightly, if only to give Kaidan better access for the gentle massage. His sigh ghosted over Kaidan's chest. He was happy. Finally, so happy. Miles to go before he was anywhere near to where he'd been before the army, but it was a start. Time healed most wounds. Physically and mentally. The longer Kaidan stayed, the less vicious the nightmares were. Knowing he had the support of the surgeon, he could face himself, his panic attacks, PTSD, muteness, everything. Kaidan shared it all and they helped each other down their respective roads to recovery.

"You know something?" Kaidan said softly after a long silence.

Shepard raised his head again.

Kaidan wiggled his arm out from underneath Shepard and put his hands up. Without saying a word, he signed, _I love you. A lot._

Shepard was unprepared for the tears that suddenly stung the back of his throat and burned in the back of his eyes. He blinked them away rapidly. Scrubbed at the burning with the palm of his hand. Signed, _I want to hear you say it._

"I love you," Kaidan said softly, immediately.

 _I love you, too,_ Shepard signed carefully.

_No matter what happens?_

_Always._

**Author's Note:**

> I only edited this once, so please forgive any errors.


End file.
